It’s my fault really.
A few months after our wedding, I was lying in bed with PL and thought, “this is nice, but… something’s missing.”
“Dont’ SAY IT! Don’t even think it!” I told myself.
“Yeah. I think we need a kid,” I replied to myself, ignoring the other part of me that was panicking.
It was my “Happily Ever After” moment. PL and I were married, sharing our lives, going on holidays, enjoying married life.
So why did I have to go all, “hmmm… something is missing…”
I knew at the time that I was just asking for trouble, but yeah. I wished, perhaps fleetingly, for a child. Why? WHY?
The biological imperative to reproduce?
Perhaps I knew that we needed a challenge. Or maybe more like a mission. A vocation. Perhaps I knew that real life isn’t a fairy tale and “happily ever after” is just a way to end a story so the kids can go to bed. That real life doesn’t end with “happily ever after”.
I also knew that at our age (which I have alluded to in other posts), it was risky to have a child. So I didn’t want to ask or wish for a child. But being good Catholics (well as good as I wanna be), if we are blessed (cursed?), que sera sera.
Then PL missed her period.
Again, it was my fault.
I was relieved when the scan showed that her risk for Trisomy-21 was very low (1 in over 1400, if I recall).
The doctor (Ob/Gyn) seemed unconcerned at all the visits (I wonder if doctors have training for this), so we picked up on his confidence and nonchalance and were also unworried. His only hint was to say that most likely a natural birth can proceed – about 90% chance, but if necessary, there is always the C-section.
At the delivery suite, when PL’s dilation was not progressing, he lowered his assessment of a natural birth to 80%.
Then he decided to go with a C-section after PL had 11 hours of labour (in the hospital, there were a few more hours before the hospital) with no progress in the dilation of the cervix, even with the additional aid of the hormone to induce labour (oxytocin – dilates the service and also promotes maternal bonding).
I told PL that she has hormones to help her love Z. I have no such hormonal aid.
Alternatively, Pl was induced by hormones to love Z.
My love for Z is therefore purer. I was not forced by hormones to love the little poopy-head (terms of endearment).
So after the delivery, we were sitting in the hospital room. Z was asleep or somewhere being tortured by the nurses, and we had some quiet time to ourselves. It was 8 Dec, PL’s birthday.
Another moment for ourselves.
Too many parents get overwhelmed by the child when he or she is born, and the months and years later are filled with the hustle and hassle of caring for the kids, that they forget that they are a couple first, and parents second.
Yes. Couple first. Parents Second. That is the correct priority.
Yes, there are those who think that when the child/children comes, they are parents first and a couple second.
They are wrong.
They may disagree, but my question to them would be, if your marriage breaks up, it is ok, as long as you are good parents?
PL may be hormonally blessed (or cursed) to love Z. I am not. I see my role as protecting PL so she takes care of herself, so I can take care of her, so we remain a couple, so we can present to Z a model of parental partnership and healthy couplehood, and provide Z with a stable, happy, healthy family environment.
And to make essential moments for us as a couple, and to remind PL of those moments. Not that she needs reminding. What makes us compatible is that we both seek out these moments for ourselves.
And then we deserve some time for ourselves, and we make it a point to reserve those deserved time.
And those moments become memories.