One of my favourite authors, is Robert B. Parker. He wrote the whole series of “Spenser” detective novels. It was eventually made into a TV series with Robert Ulrich playing the role of “Spenser” and that was how I came to know the character and the series, and I eventually found the books. And I thought the books were much better than the TV series, but the TV series wasn’t too bad either.
But this is not about private eyes, TV or books.
But a quote from one of the books, which quoted from a poet, Robert Frost (I had too google that, cos I always forget!). The line goes like this:
“Only when love and need are one,
And work is play for mortal stakes
Is the deed ever really done
For heaven’s and the future’s sake.”
I wrote the above quote totally from memory cos I thought it was a great verse. (BTW, the book is “Mortal Stakes” from the above quote.)
I often misquoted the first line as, “Only when love and need are ‘want’…” Because I thought about the nature of love, need, and want.
Do we love people because we need them? Or because we want them? Or do we want them because we need them? Or love them?
Love. Need. And Want. In a sense, I’ve wondered about these three things and their aspects in love, or their ability to enhance love. Or sabotage love.
Thirty years or so ago, I told someone I loved that I needed her. She was an older, wiser woman, and she told me in effect that love based on need is doomed.
And yet we try to make the person we love need us, because that gives us power over them. That is a rather manipulative, and immature approach to love. But one many people take.
The more insecure, but mature approach is to want someone, and to find that that someone wants you in return. It is insecure, but ultimately so much more equal. There is no manipulation. No power dynamics. Just two equal persons choosing to be with each other, working to validate the other person’s choice in them, and working to continue to want to be with the other.
Ultimately this is what makes us equal – equal choice, freedom to choose, freedom to stay or go.
And yet, despite the inherent insecurity, we feel very secure with each other. Well, i do anyway. And I think she does as well.
PL is not a very verbal person. I believe she has little need for words. Little need for meaningless, insignificant, immaterial words
On the other hand, I play with words. I use them. Abuse them. Misuse them. Excuse them. Precisely because I too understand the meaninglessness, the insignificance of words.
So we banter, PL & I. We mock each other. Tease each other. Entertain each other. Threatened each other.
But we never feel insecure. Nor feel that there are underlying insecurities in our mockery, teasing, or mock threats.
Falling in love is like coming home to the someone you never knew you belong to.